Or perhaps its on sabatical leave. Its definitely not here right now. I had a phone conversation with CP and the earth under my feet did not move and my heart was not beating profusely. She said she missed me but my reaction was apathetic. I told her that we are fated not to be together and I am moving on. I once told her that her sweetness was my weakness. She tried to be all sweet to me but [i]love dont live here no more[/i].
Later that day I had a heart to heart conversation with TA. She did not want to be "fuck buddies" anymore and want to have a relationship. She wants to spend time with me, go see movies, dinners, hang out with friends, go to the mall etc, basically do what couples do. TA is kind, considerate and fun to be with. I enjoy her company. It is only fair for me not to lead her on. I am not ready for a relationship. I am barely over CP. TA was upset, quite understandably so.
I should go out and meet new people. I need to be comfortable with myself again be it alone or with somebody new. Before I loathed even thinking about having to go back to the "meat market" and date strangers. I loathe the idea of being judged in the first few dates. I loathe the idea of being alone, having no one to call, no one to go out with.
I want to focus on myself. Self preservation is not a bad thing. I'll just masturbate if I am horny. I need to focus on my career, some thing which I have not done since I got involved with CP. Dating should be a leasure activity I do in the weekend from now on. I want to be ready when love shows up again.
Yesterday the bicycle had been a monstrous invention, an absurdly impractical device that I'd looked at with same amused scorn normally reserved for souped-up Protons. But not now. Now it is a superlative machine, the ultimate synthesis of form and function, a part of my body. Climbing Cendrasih Dam passing by signboards proclaiming 10% gradient ascend, setting a furious tempo up front, hearing discerning cries from the back "piano, piano", turning back looking at Kio and Zamani grimacing. The look of bewilderment on Zailan's face. Yes, I am putting on the hurt. I know I am just a gregario in the team but not today. Today I am Cunego. I am seizing the moment. I am having the cake and I am devouring it.
Beep beep beep beep! Huh, alarm sound. its Monday 7am. Its only a *&^@%^!=@ dream....
I spent the entire afternoon talking about my relationship with CP to my very close friend Q. He wasted the whole afternoon on me. Oh well, I suppose if you do run your own company, your time can be made fairly flexible. Unlike me Q is a success story. Happily married for 15 years with four beautiful children. Its always good to have some perspective from the ol'skool.
We are from different generation and have different beliefs. I argued that I need to have a likeminded partner to have a chance of having long-term successful relationship. Some one who understand me, who comes from similar background, who shares similar goals, fun, vices etc. He thinks I should look for a partner who is homely, maternal, pious, trusting, doesnt ask too many questions and give you all the space/freedom you need.
He doesnt believe in chemistry between two people. He said I need someone who is reliable and who can take care of me through good and bad times. He said the mistake I made is that I want my partner to be my lover and best friend. According to him, what I need to do is to look for someone who can be a good mother to my children and able to take care of the home. That’s it??!!
Q wouldn’t do too well in the current meat market. Things have changed since he last dated. Now is all about knowing the other party’s interest and see whether it overlaps enough with yours. If it doesn’t, you simply move on.
He wants to take me to Uzbekistan to find me a nice decent wife. While he was picturing a young Mother Theresa-like woman, I imagined a pretty tall blond with blue eyes. Am I desperate and mad enough to go?!!
Life without CP has been ok so far. She still occupies my mind. I think about her all the time. I guess the first thing is to get over the routines I had with CP. You know those happy hour drinks and dinner at my local pub, coffee and lunch at Lyanas, the Italian restaurants we frequented, sex & DVD at my place, emailing each other at work, SMSes and late night chats. I miss her sweet voice, her laughter, her smile and kisses. I miss looking at her looking at me. The parting gift I got from CP is the flu virus. I now have sore throat, fever and body aches. Life's like that. Sometimes, it has a dark sense of humour.
Poor TA has to put up with me, Mr. Rebound. Its true what they say, all is fair in love and war.
It has been two days since I broke up with CP. This is the biggest assault to break away from CP. We have gone our separate ways many times in the past only to be back together again after a day or so. But this time I am more determined than before. I had to leave this girl who had put a smile on my face, who made me happy, whom I have had great sex with behind. CP and me have oh so great chemistry but she gave away her heart before I came in to her life. For our own good, well especially mine, I need to move on.
Things I am going through since the breakup:
1. I jump everytime I hear the phone ring or when there is a SMS beep, hoping it’s her followed by self-annoyance of my weakness. 2. Wondering what she is doing every 30 minutes 3. Keep thinking about the good times we had 4. Keep thinking about the future plans we made 5. Some times I feel strong 6. Some times I feel like saying fuck it, and just call her 7. Some times I feel lost and a sense of longing for her 8. Tempted to go to places we used to go to in hope that I’d bump into her. 9. I realized that I am a weak, pathetic sentimental old buffoon who is tired of constantly having to go through breakups. 10. Fear of being with someone you don’t really fancy because you are terrified of being alone. Gongkapas Times suggested that I take a break from relationship and focus on cycling. That is a good suggestion worth considering. My main concern would be what would I do for sex.
What she confessed to me earlier in the day kept playing in my head. I knew that I couldn’t be with her. She gave her heart to someone else. There are some things that are out of my control. I had to let her go.
If I don’t do it now, I will be her sparetyre for good. I sent her the following SMS around 2am
[i]Dear CP, after much deliberation, I have come to a decision that we should not see each other anymore. Its for our own good and my well being. U have a special place in my heart. I love you dearly but I have to do what is best for me. If u truly care for me u’d understand. Please don’t call or sms me. Hope u find happiness. I really do. Take care CP.[/i]
At the present time I have this aching feeling inside of me and great sense of longing to give her a call or see her face. I feel empty inside. I guess it is like fasting. The first few days of the fasting month is the toughest but after a while you get used to it. If I give in now, I will be forever at her mercy. Am I being melodramatic (again)?
After listening to Angel by Robbie Williams for 30 minutes I then
a. Rearranged my CDs b. Tidy my bicycle room c. Wash car. At 4pm I must be barking mad as the weather was a scorcher. I hardly use the cloth to dry the car. I even applied glass spray on the window and tyre shine on the wheels. I usually send it to the car wash once a week. The last time I washed my car was went I went on medical leave and was bored out of my mind. d. Wash and polish my bicycle. Again, I must be barking mad as my velo is usually spotless. I clean it after every ride.
I had to think. I thought it sure is healthier and cheaper than to think in the pub. I started with feeling sorry for myself, followed by why-didn’t-I-see-it -from-that-angle, to resigning to fate, to feeling stronger and my next course of action and ended with the usual self doubt and loathing.
As I was beginning to tire from my house chores, I felt a sense of calm. I was slowly accepting the fact that I did my best and it was just not meant to be. I told myself that CP had the opportunity to have me as a lover and best friend. I may not be able to give her what she wants but I would have shared with her everything I had (everything but my bicycles). If she failed to see it then its her loss. I was beginning to feel good about myself.
Then the phone rang. It was an unregistered number. I picked it up. And it was CP. She was sobbing and spoke in the saddest of tone. She said she misses me and was wondering what I was doing. She said she couldn’t stop thinking about me.
Hold your position..don’t buckle…steady… ; resist…bugger...aaaarrrrggghhh.. I melted like butter on a hot stove. I have a soft spot for her. We talked for an hour and I am back to square one. All that heartache followed by self-counseling for nothing. Bastard!
Me and CP had our usual chat when I stumbled upon something that I did not give much consideration before, her feelings for her ex-boyfriend K. It started with CP wanting my opinion on a problem faced by a third party, a friend. [i] CP: My friend broke up with her ex-boyfriend and now she wants him back. What does she have to do to for him to take her back? Myself: Tell him that she has made a mistake. Start a dialogue with him, tell him the reasons behind her actions, ask for forgiveness and promise him that it wont happen again and things will be better in the future. Why does your friend wants him back? CP: She feel lost and empty without him. She wants things to be way it used to be. She made a mistake and realised it too late.[/i]
I then asked CP more questions about her friend and realised that she was talking about herself. This realisation was painful for me. Its like falling into a river full of geriatric piranhas. They bite you all over but at a much slower pace. I then told her calmly that she is referring to herself and then she broke down. She said that although there is no future with K, (Btw, K's mother disapprove of their relationship) she love and misses him so much that she is willing to live for the present time and hope for the best.
I dont think she understand how much each and every word of her confession hurt me. But surprisingly I was calm. I then told her that I did not knew how much she loves K. I said that I am hurt but I don't blame anyone. There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings especially matters of the heart. I do not want to be the second choice. I do not want to be the sparetyre in her love life. I then said my good byes, you know, the usual crap... best of luck, we are still friends, will call you to keep in touch et cetera et cetera.
I then deleted her picture and erase the special ringing tone on my phone. Its all about closure and moving on....
I pressed play on my remote CD and Johnny Hartman's The Nearness of You came blaring out from the speakers. Oh bollocks... Where's my Robbie Willians CD..??
I have just left my job and had decided to take on a short-term job posting in Jakarta, Indonesia. I am extremely reluctant as Jakarta is not a cycling friendly city. I have also done enough business trips to know that it can be extremely lonely to be on my own in a foreign place. But I guess this would look good on my Curriculum Vitae. Maybe there will be a better offer for jobs in KL, who knows...
Since I left my previous employment, I had to give up my laptop for my old home PC. I forgot how slow a dial-up can be. I finally got it set up properly and am now online. Phew.....
CP had to undergo a minor surgery in a hospital and I have been spending a lot of my time with her. If only she knew how much I hated hospitals. I was in and out of hospitals when I was a child and loathe hospitals so much because of it. I paid the balance of the hospital bill as her insurance does not cover the whole amount. Not a small sum for the newly unemployed. And while she was resting at home, I came over almost daily and brought her food. I even spoon fed her. I must really like this girl. I now see her without make up and all sickly and at her worse, hair unwashed for days and body odour but all I see in front of me is beauty. Her ex-boyfriend did not turn up at the hospital. That made me wonder. Is he busy with work? Did they have a fight? Was he upset with her? Whatever it was, I aint complaining as I got to spend lots of time with her. Hmm.. maybe I should call myself Mr. Leftover.
Things were distant between CP and me before she was hospitalized. I guess things were good between CP and her ex-boyfriend then. During that time, I fell back to TA and one thing led to another I ended up sleeping with her. I felt really bad about it. That made my life even more unsettling and complicated. Why did I allow this to happen? Am I not experienced to know the usual outcome of this? I told TA that I am not ready to take our relationship further giving my impending Jakarta posting as my [i]raison d'etre[/i]. My relationship with TA is similar to that with CP only thing is the role is reversed. Life is funny that way....
CP was out in town celebrating her birthday and I wasn't invited. So I went out for after dinner drinks with TA to try and forget CP for the night.
Me and TA talked till almost 1am. TA is older and more mature. She is much more articulate than CP. I see a lot of myself in TA in terms of character. I wonder if two people with identical character can live together?
TA wore jeans and I can't help but to notice her rear end. Anyway, she looked good in those Levi's. She has a nice bod and wanted me to notice.
We talked about everything really. We talked about our careers, holidays, family, relationship, religion and astrology. Its funny that you always have lots to talk about before you start sleeping with the person.
TA fancies me. She even confessed to me. I told her that there is nothing to fancy. Physically I am no Brad Pitt and mentally I am in a mess. There is a lot of things I need to sort out and that would take time. I think she is attracted to me because I am the first guy she met who is not trying to get into her skirt.
Although I find her physically very attractive I don't want to start something physical because she will end up getting hurt in the end. Being at the receiving end of the stick many, many times, I know how much that hurts. So why do it to another person.
In the wee hours of the morning, CP SMSed me again. She tend to do that after a night out in town and/or few rounds of drinks. I wonder if she she really cares for me or just horny.
[i]2:07am - Sayang (love), I Miss You! Just came back from Passion.
My reply - Sayang, I miss you too. R u alright dear? Drink lots of water n take panadol to avoid a hangover.
3:03am - Where you? I'm not drunk, k. I just miss you that's all. What have you been doing?[/i]
[i]My reply - I am at home dear. Wanna talk for a few minutes?
3:08am - I can't. Half of my brain in the toilet bowl. I have diarrhea since morning.
My reply - Oh my god. So that's why you came back early? Sorry to hear that. Your stomach is quite sensitive. Did you drink too much last night? Or ate wrongly?[/i]
I guess she is crapping so much that she could not talk to me for a few minutes or SMS me good night.
It is so like CP. Holy cow, the similarities are uncanny. Maybe i should go read what they say about Scorpio man.
[i]Taurus woman is funny and a jolly person. Square facial bone structure, high cheek bone. Her round big eyes sparkle ith wit and curiosity. You will not see many round faces Taurus women, and mainly she will have a strong jaw line.
She is a constantly change person. If she up sets, she will not show it and will keep it to herself for a long time, and will remember them so well. If she gets really mad at you, you will suddenly become a totally and completely stranger to her.
She is a patient person, but always need new excitement. She hates long talk meeting, long and endless conversation. She can be in love with you today, and one day she could act as if she has never loved you before. She has patient with what she wants to do and will never give up until she gets there. She will be very persistent in what she is doing till she has reasons for stopping her project, then she will quit.
Money for Taurus woman is not the most important factor in life. She thinks of money as an instrument for assuring of a good living. She has more satisfaction in achieving her goals more than satisfaction in fine cloths and luxuries. If you like a woman who always thinks of love and romance then you are dating the wrong girl.
She loves animals and likes to surround by animals. Love is in her head, but Freedom is in her soul. She has her own idea about love and afraid to show her true feeling for fear of rejection. She is not the type to talk about love, but she sure has a strange way to show it. She is not good in showing when she is in love, but if she loves you she will be honest to you than any other women.
She will be honest to her love one, but at the same time seems distant. You will have a good relationship with her, if you allow her freedom. Do not force her to be with you in a poker game which she hates, but let she goes out swinging with her friends if she wants to. She will be different than other girls, and she thinks different is one of her unique quality. She is a public figure but belongs to no one.She will not stay with you, if she thinks you are not sincere. She likes you to have personality, but better not to compete with her. Loves her, but not too much for she afraid it will limiting her freedom.
She always stand out of the crowd for something she dares to do. If you are a politician who are looking for a wife, she will make a good one because she is cleverly smart and she could get along socially with any type of crowds.
She is not a jealous type because she has to know you thoroughly before accepting you in her life. She has more curiosity in life than wondering if right now you are flirting with someone else. If you keep a distant from her, or go away for a few days, she will miss you more. Even when she is dating you, she also able to fond of someone else, if you do not have something she is looking for. She will never disappoint you or hide behind your back to make you loose face, but she is the type who just going to tell you to your face that " We're better off breaking up".
She always remember her first love. Taurus woman holds the best record for divorce for she does not care about how people think of her, but every things should be done for "Happiness".
She has lots of friends and sure of herself, so you will hardly see she delays any of her thoughts before her action. If she think of something, she will go ahead and does it. She has many men wanting her for her constant changes is the challenge. She can be cute and funny, but suddenly cool and tough.
She likes to learn about your dreams and your thought. She has fun teasing you and making jokes. If she did something wrong, she won't hide it from you, but do not ask when she is not in the mood to talk about it.
If you want to make it with Taurus woman, then do not be jealous or possessive, do not be narrow minded, do not criticize about nonsense or small and insignificant matters. Try to likes her friends and let she has her privacy, then she can be very sweet to you. [/i]
Two nights ago CP smsed me with the message “Sayang I miss you”. She dumped me like a sack of potatoes only the day before with the look that can rival The Terminator in terms of emotionless expression and now this. I am so confused and frustrated but somehow I am also glad. My best friends told me I am a sadist and masochist for consistently getting myself into stormy relationships. They said that I love suffering and the fact that I am a cyclist is further proof.
Yes without a doubt road cycling is a tough sport. I take 4 aspirin before a race just to numb the pain. Imagine cycling up Genting with road temperature of 35 C and inhaling exhaust fumes all the way to the top. You feel like your thigh muscle is gonna break in two. Genting hurts. And I love it.
But getting heartbroken by someone you love sucks. I wanted to bring her to my family dos. Introduce them to my parents and my sisters. I wanted to go Perhentian and lie by the beach together and leave our worries in KL. Come to think of it, there are so many things I wanted to do with her. And now I am nursing a hangover after consuming a bottle of wine at my best friend’s apartment. He and his wife are probably accustomed to my soppy stories by now.
I am going to be 32 in October and I don’t know if I can take many more of these heartbreaks. I do not want to be like some of my older single friends. They seem like they lost hope in finding a life partner. And these are the people with careers, nice apartments, nice cars, designer shoes and handbags with good looks. Sometimes I wonder if they do get lonely at times and if so, how do they deal with it. Call me an incurable romantic (I must be after one failed marriage and a million failed relationships) but I still very much believe that love conquers all.
Okay coming back to CP’s sms, what does she mean by that? Why is she saying all this? Maybe she sent it to me by mistake and meant for her ex-boyfriend. Does she think about the impact of such messages on me. Does she care?
And yesterday she emailed me her horoscope. I dont believe in this sort of things. You and your life is not determined by a bunch of stars in the sky? I dont think its in the quran. And life is what you make it.
Nonetheless, I printed her email out from the office for me to have a read.
My first entry was a copy of an email I sent to my ex-partner who dumped me last Tuesday night. That was my millionth failed relationship thus far. Well it felt like a million. It is time I take a good look at myself in the mirror and try to understand how people (especially my date/partner/girlfriend) perceived me to be. According to CP, I am intense, pushy, selfish, self centred, distrustful and am always angry at her.
On that fateful Tuesday night, I picked her up at 10pm and had planned to confront her on her disappearance the day before and followed by being seen with her ex-boyfriend shopping earlier part of the day. We had a tiff on Saturday night and I thought she went back to him in frustration. I was about to tell her that this has broken my trust and her actions was simply unacceptable. But I thought I wanted to hear her side of the story first.
So what came out was verbal diarrhoea from CP. I guess she had a lot of frustration bottled up in her. Her eyes and expression was devoid of emotions. The sweet lady I knew had vanished and replaced by a business associate who was not happy with my job performance. I had nothing much to say after that. It was strange as I usually have an answer or excuse to everything. The best thing for me and you is that we both become friends. Not best friends, not fuck friends, just friends. She wanted me to be her acquaintance. Sheepishly I asked, “do friends hold hands?” And her answer is a straight NO. Just to add a bit more spice, she said that her ex-boyfriend is now trying to get her back and she regretted dumping him for me. Good god! When it rains it pours.
She wanted to stay a bit longer and have more wine but I thought I do not want to stick around for more bashing or worse, she’ll just change the subject to something trivial like the weather and therefore reflect how insignificant I am to her. So I asked for the bill and we both left. In the car, she stared at me for some time and to my surprise kissed me (with tongue et al). It was a little dangerous as I was in the fast lane. Luckily for me my car have decent handling and braking abilities. We kissed for a while and she reiterated how she gave me enough chances and can’t be with me.
She brought a DVD with her earlier and said that she wanted to watch it with me. We went over to my place and had sex instead. I guess she knew what she wanted. And that was probably the last shag. When we got dressed she kissed me on the left cheek and gave me a tap on my shoulder and said, “let’s get a move on friend”. We were quiet in the car. When we arrived at the gates of her home, she had the same emotionless expression. I felt a sense of dread. She kissed me on the cheek and waved to me and said, “bye friend”.
First and foremost let me start by apologizing to you for giving you grief last weekend (and other days before that). This email is not an attempt to get you back to the way it was before the Labour Day weekend.
I spent the last two days reflecting on our conversation at The Place on Tuesday night. I even played my old Gn’R song, Patience. I have learned a lot on the not-so-good things about myself, and I guess learning about one’s deficiencies is a lot more difficult than to learn about one’s qualities. I realised that I did not listen to you especially when it mattered; I realised that many times I took you for granted and now I have a funny notion that I have been taking many things for granted; I realised I did not put enough effort to understand you and the situation you were in; I realised I was selfish and pushy in many ways.
Those are the things you told me over time which I failed to listen and you were right in the end. But I do not agree that this is what I am and therefore will always remain the same. I believe people change and they learn from mistakes (especially when the lost is significantly large like in my case) and try to do better. What is most important is a good heart and I think I have that.
I now think that I would have driven anyone away with the careless attitude I had with you (and that I am truly sorry) from time to time. You or the next person I date would be luckier (not lucky, just luckier :p) as I would try to improve. And I know I can.
Maybe we are not fated to be together and I would have to accept my providence. But then again, maybe we are and this is just a setback. One thing life has thought me over the years is that you never know what lies ahead even if you meticulously plan and manage it.
I had a wonderful and happy time with you. The only regret is that of my very own actions. I thank you for the many beautiful memories.
As I said earlier, I love and care for you dearly and that can’t change overnight. If you need anything, anything at all maybe you need to talk to someone; you need a shoulder to cry on, you need advice (except for the topic on dating & relationship!); if you have a flat tyre; if you are in trouble; you need to jog up Kiara track; if you want me back in your life as the way we were before; or a quick beer stop in Taman Tun; or an amateur back rub; anything, I am[u] just a phone call away[/u]……
Love always, TheRoadie
Email me: pinkroadie@hotmail.com Theroadie is a 32 year old single again (and again) from Kuala Lumpur. He does not care anymore if there is no meaningful relationship in the horizon. He just wants to lose his beer gut and regain his old form and dance up the Momma Hor's Categorie that is Genting. The ole devil called Happy Hour proves to be a worthy adversary.
Theroadie is a 32 year old single again (and again) from Kuala Lumpur. He does not care anymore if there is no meaningful relationship in the horizon. He just wants to lose his beer gut and regain his old form and dance up the Momma Hor's Categorie that is Genting. The ole devil called Happy Hour proves to be a worthy adversary.